A Hysterectomy Door Wreath

Well, I made it through!

The surgeries went great and everything turned out the way they wanted it to.  The breast surgeon said everything looked good and now I just need to heal again (they should have installed a zipper the first time).  The gynecological surgeon said that nothing surprised her and that the edge of my liver is beautiful (never heard that one before).  I've been home recovering for the last week, but things have been so much easier than the first round of surgery.  I've been in hardly any pain and having complete use of my arms is very luxurious.

Have you heard of this new trend, Birth Wreaths for your hospital door?  They are cute and fluffy and have all kinds of doo-dads hot glued to them that give the average passerby an indication that behind the door is a new mother with her sweet bundle of joy.

I saw a couple of them at the hospital last week.  To be honest, I kind of felt left out.  I should have thought ahead and had someone make me a hysterectomy/salpingoopherectomy wreath.  I'm in Junior League and I know gals that can make some kick-ass wreaths.  I think the wreath would have been made with fire red, metallic mesh and had little bottles of merlot hanging from the bow.  Maybe some cold compresses and prescription bottles of Xanax.  Just a thought.  It definitely would have been quite the contrast to the pastel blue wreath that was hanging next door.

For some reason, I find so many things funny at the hospital.  Here are a couple (besides the door wreaths):
-  When I woke up in my room after the surgery, the first thing I saw was the phone number for the lactation nurse.  Had I been a little less sedated, I probably could have played a pretty good practical joke on said nurse...especially when she found out I didn't have nipples.
-  Again, when I came out of anesthesia, my vision was blurred and I felt so gassy.  Nothing like having a bunch of nurses telling each other, "she's complaining of a lot of rectal pressure."  You should have your full wits about you when rectal pressure is being discussed in the room.
-  The early morning housekeeping aide asked me if I had a boy or girl the day before.  Um, neither.
-  The anesthesiologist thought it would be funny to joke about my pre-op pregnancy test.  Um, no.  Not funny.

So, I'm taking it easy for a little while longer before heading back to work.  I promised my husband that I would study for and pass the HAM radio exam and I want to clean out the refrigerator.  I figured I should be able to accomplish both of these things even if I'm in the middle of hot flashes.

"Make that three-star spicy with the bubble tea"

I'm getting ready to go on an uber-exclusive vacation.

Or, at least that's what I'm telling myself.  It'll be an adventure.  I'm sure I will get to experience many new and exciting things.

I'll have a double order of the salpingoopherectomy...make that three-star spicy.  Oh, and with the steamed rice.  This tasty dish will be served up at the all-inclusive Willow Creek resort in the exotic town of Johnson, Arkansas.  They have the latest in all-cotton lounge gowns and I've heard that the wait staff is impeccable.

What I've packed to get ready for my trip:

-  Pro-biotics

-  Stool softeners

-  Front-closure tops

- Hibiclens

-  Germ-X

- Color-coordinated meds organizer

- My advance directive and Power of Attorney

I know that you are all wondering how you can book a trip like this.  Well, it's a pretty exclusive guest list.  It took me years to work my way into the inner circle of this club.  I'll see if there are any palms I can grease on the inside and get you invitation.

This week I continue my procedures to beat this pesky breast cancer.  I'll have the next stage of my breast reconstruction. They will replace the turtle-shell expander implants with the silicon implants (remember, I'm going with the implants that offer more "projection"). Hopefully they will be softer and a bit more comfortable.  I will also be having my uterus, Fallopian tubes and ovaries removed.  My breast cancer was estrogen/progesterone positive so we need to cut off those hormones in case we didn't get all the cancer.  Because I am BRCA II positive, I'm also at a higher risk for ovarian cancer, so the Naomi's (refer to "The Naomi's" blog post) need to come out.  

Needless to say, I'm not excited.  I feel that I've been a relatively balanced person when in comes to my hormones (my husband might disagree).  Things were always on schedule and I never felt like I couldn't control what was happening to my body.  Getting pregnant was easy and my pregnancy and birth was a very positive experience.  It seems a shame to get rid of those parts that have served me so well.  It's not as if I want more kids - we decided long ago that we were a one-and-done family, but I like having options.  It's kind of like four-wheel-drive.  I never use four-wheel-drive, but I do like having it as an option.  Guess it's that independent streak in me.  So, after this round of operations, I'll have less options.  I'll also have to bring more people into my circle to help me through this.  This last month I've added an acupuncturist and a compounding pharmacist to the list...oh, and I met a good tree guy...not directly related, but it's important to have a good tree guy.

A big thanks to all that are currently in the circle and have offered so many kind words of support.  I love you all!