What a difference a year makes.
The time has been flying by. I know that everyone feels the same way, except for maybe four-year-olds that are waiting to turn five (that was a long year for me), but it has flown by. While in the midst of all the surgeries and recoveries, I told myself that I would do different things to commemorate the year and the process. New Year's Eve was going to include a large bonfire and copious amounts of champagne and I was going to burn my boob binder and the four-inch stack of EOBs. Well, after half a glass of Merlot, I fell asleep at ten. I should probably recycle that paper anyway. I thought that on the one year anniversary of the mastectomies, I might do something special...nope. I think I was discussing cash flow with customers and complaining about my kid at Spring Soccer (not an enjoyable experience for all involved).
I was a little annoyed with myself for not paying attention and not marking the anniversaries with a bit more fanfare, but as I started thinking about it more, I'm okay with it. Right? By not having those dates seared into my active consciousness, that means that those events are less of a defining moment than I had previously expected. Right? Maybe? Who knows....
Being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through a year of aggressive surgeries and recoveries was a big deal. But.... It's relative. There are people out there dealing with a lot heavier stuff than what I had to go through. I'm thankful for my circumstances and that it's over.
Lately, certain social and professional interactions seem to annoy me much more than they used to. I've been doing a lot of introspection and trying to gauge if it's a side-effect of forced menopause or if everyone is just a lot more annoying in 2014. Part of it is the hormones. Having 80% of one's estrogen shut down in one fell swoop can take a toll on one's "softness of delivery", but I also think I'm focussing on the little things too much. In 2013 I didn't have the available mental bandwidth to deal with certain things, so they didn't even register with me. I've lost some of that perspective. I need to ask myself, "Is this really that important in the scheme of things?" If not, then I need to try and keep it from taking up bandwidth.
It's possible that I'm suffering from a little PTSD (self-diagnosed, of course). While I was going through the everything in 2013, I didn't think of it as that traumatic, but maybe it was. This was a good realization to vocalize. I'm not trying to compare my situation with returning combat veterans, but 2013 was traumatic for me.
It was traumatic.
It sucked.
I was a badass, but it wasn't easy.
I pushed my recovery and tried to keep all the balls in the air.
I worried about how others were dealing with the situation.
That being said,
2013 is over.
2014 is happening.
I'm here.
I feel good.
I'm thankful.
Ah, the new year. I was so focused on getting through 2013 and seeing it die in a fiery blaze fueled by Hibiclens, bandages and whiskey that I was slightly disappointed when the good ole new year rolled in. I didn't make any resolutions, but did give myself a few ideas for things that I had to put on the back burner in 2013. I'm excited about trying some new things and go on a real vacation...a vacation that doesn't involve surgery and anesthesia. I'm excited about the potential of the year.
Potential.
I really identify with potential. I love seeing people make something from just an idea, whether it's a product or a business. I love looking at a piece of flat fabric and thinking about what fabulous clothing item could be made from it. I love when someone confides in me a desire to try something new and I'm able to help them achieve that goal. Exciting, exciting.
And sometimes, potential can cause a lot of anxiety and stress.
I've talked with two women in the last month that are starring into the face of their own potential and their extremely high risk of breast cancer. Ugh. These women are smart and savvy and a couple of badasses, in my opinion, but they are are now spending much of their time addressing their potential for breast cancer. It's heavy stuff. There isn't a magic pill that will just erase away the risk...well, there kind of is, but it requires removal of your breasts and ovaries. This isn't a option for women that are in the family-making mode. The doctors usually default to the most aggressive course of action because they don't want to see the potential develop into cancers that are hard to treat and life-threatening. Only the patient is the one weighing all the aspects and consequences of the potential cancer. They are being asked to make static decisions about dynamics variables...talk about anxiety.
I remember those years. The struggle with my headspace about my risk and what I should do. Doctors that advised that maybe I should reconsider having kids because maybe I could pass the risk along to them. Doctors that advised that I should have prophylactic surgeries that would have prevented me from having children. Suggestions, advice, opinions....strong opinions. The juggling of all of this can be exhausting.
But, it's getting better. We have more choices and advances are being made every year that should provide even more choices in the future and hopefully a clear path to prevention. When I think about my fiver-year-old daughter and the potential she has in life, the potential to develop breast cancer is low on the list. I see her potential as a leader, a student, a revolutionary, a strong, confident woman.
I'm not glad that I was diagnosed with cancer and went through a year of surgeries and recoveries, but I'm glad it's over and I can spend my time thinking about other types of potential.
Be kind and empathetic to women you know that are going through these situations right now. Just listen and invite them out for coffee and happy hour. Support them in their decision and help them feel comfortable and get back to thinking about other things....their potential...their potential for the positive.
