The time has been flying by. I know that everyone feels the same way, except for maybe four-year-olds that are waiting to turn five (that was a long year for me), but it has flown by. While in the midst of all the surgeries and recoveries, I told myself that I would do different things to commemorate the year and the process. New Year's Eve was going to include a large bonfire and copious amounts of champagne and I was going to burn my boob binder and the four-inch stack of EOBs. Well, after half a glass of Merlot, I fell asleep at ten. I should probably recycle that paper anyway. I thought that on the one year anniversary of the mastectomies, I might do something special...nope. I think I was discussing cash flow with customers and complaining about my kid at Spring Soccer (not an enjoyable experience for all involved).
I was a little annoyed with myself for not paying attention and not marking the anniversaries with a bit more fanfare, but as I started thinking about it more, I'm okay with it. Right? By not having those dates seared into my active consciousness, that means that those events are less of a defining moment than I had previously expected. Right? Maybe? Who knows....
Being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through a year of aggressive surgeries and recoveries was a big deal. But.... It's relative. There are people out there dealing with a lot heavier stuff than what I had to go through. I'm thankful for my circumstances and that it's over.
Lately, certain social and professional interactions seem to annoy me much more than they used to. I've been doing a lot of introspection and trying to gauge if it's a side-effect of forced menopause or if everyone is just a lot more annoying in 2014. Part of it is the hormones. Having 80% of one's estrogen shut down in one fell swoop can take a toll on one's "softness of delivery", but I also think I'm focussing on the little things too much. In 2013 I didn't have the available mental bandwidth to deal with certain things, so they didn't even register with me. I've lost some of that perspective. I need to ask myself, "Is this really that important in the scheme of things?" If not, then I need to try and keep it from taking up bandwidth.
It's possible that I'm suffering from a little PTSD (self-diagnosed, of course). While I was going through the everything in 2013, I didn't think of it as that traumatic, but maybe it was. This was a good realization to vocalize. I'm not trying to compare my situation with returning combat veterans, but 2013 was traumatic for me.
It was traumatic.
It sucked.
I was a badass, but it wasn't easy.
I pushed my recovery and tried to keep all the balls in the air.
I worried about how others were dealing with the situation.
That being said,
2013 is over.
2014 is happening.
I'm here.
I feel good.
I'm thankful.
I have definitely learned things are relative as I am going through my own whirlwind year. And I have learned we are entitled to feel traumatized. It IS a big deal. You know I have expressed my appreciation for your attitude, humor, and courage as I prepared for some of the same. However, we both know you had your low moments. It is traumatic, and I am with you. How do we deal with these anniversaries?? Do we let them slide into obscurity or do we celebrate? Not looking forward to that whole estrogen shutdown either. Oy!
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