"They're sisters, not twins."

Today was a pump-up day.  Every two weeks I go to the reconstruction surgeon's office to have my expander implants filled a little more.  The nurse looked at me and said, "You want to go bigger?"  I kind of thought that was the point.  Last week, we filled each side with 50 cc's.  This week we went 75.  Combine that with the previous fillings and I'm almost to the size of a small Honda motorbike (in regards to volume and engine displacement, etc.).  Probably not the best of comparisons, but it's what comes to mind.  I had some questions for the nurse about how things looked and felt and she said it was all normal.  She looked at me and said, "You're riding a little lower on the left.  Remember, they are sisters, not twins." Good reminder.

On the way out of the office, I noticed something new at the check-out counter.  A stack of small envelopes with a pretty font saying, "Gratuity".  Interesting.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  "Thank you kind nurse for helping restore me to some semblance of how I used to look before I was diagnosed with cancer and had my chest 'melon-balled' out.  Here's an extra $20."  I have to remind myself that there are many other elective procedures that take place at the office and it's not just mastectomy patients.  I do think they try and schedule us at different times.  I mean, why would a microdermabrasion or Botox patient want to mix it up with us mastectomy patients?  Speaking for myself, I haven't spent much time on my personal appearance over the last six weeks, but have finally graduated to washing my hair every other day.  I am probably not a good representation of some the doctor's finer work and therefore not a good advertisement.  Don't get me wrong, my doctor is doing good work.  It's just that most folks (sorry) aren't going to see them.

Next week, Harley size.  ;)

"Want to see them?"

I did it.
I got through my first full week back at the office.

It wasn't bad.  It was time and I was ready to be back.  I was happy to get back to all of my clients and coworkers and start making things happen.  Of course, everyone wants to know how I feel and how I'm doing, so I've developed a line.  "I'm doing good.  Everyday is better and all the doctors say that I'm tracking the right direction".  It sounds like I'm describing a tropical storm.  That actually might not be too far from the truth.  I'm trying not to think too much about going through forced menopause later this summer.  Who knows, there might be warnings for tropical storm Eileen.  Hopefully, it won't become a full-fledged hurricane.  As a confident, fairly assertive corporate woman, there are times when I receive feedback that I should work on "softening" my style.  This feedback has come during times of free-flowing estrogen and hormones.  How "soft" will my style need to be after I'm gutted of the last vestiges of my woman-hood and sent back behind the desk.  Who knows, with my voice a couple of octaves lower and chin stubble, I might get respect from a whole new demographic of peers and clients.  I should use this to my advantage...

Well, I gave my first show-and-tell this week.  I met with a friend who is a couple of months behind me with her breast cancer diagnosis.  It felt good to answer her questions and be the open-book about this topic I said I would be.  And at the end of lunch, I said, "you want to see them?"  I had a friend show me her new breasts six weeks after a double mastectomy with reconstruction and it was very helpful.  It was good to see the results of the surgeons cutting out the life-threatening cancer with the context of the individual that was trying to get back to her life.  It gave me some peace-of-mind and the confidence to keep pushing forward.  If I can help give some of that to other women, I'll be flashing my boobies all around town (don't get too excited).

"If you want to eat a soybean, eat a soybean".

Well, I'm on track. 

I finished all of my doctors' appointments for the week and they all gave me glowing reviews.  First was the reconstruction surgeon's nurse that gave me a filling of 50 cc's on each side and told me that I already have good 'projection'.  I'm going to take that as a positive thing....I mean, who wouldn't want good projection.  Next was the breast surgeon and he took his first look at me since my surgery and said, "Wow, they look fabulous!"  I told him that he sounded surprised and he reminded me that it is a very complicated surgery (everyone needs validation).  And lastly, the oncologist today.  He is a really nice guy that listens really well, which means he doesn't say too much, which means I end up talking a whole lot.  Anyway, he said that everything with my pathology report looked good and that there isn't a need for any treatment at this point.  

Next month I'll be meeting with my gynecologist to discuss whether I need to just have my ovaries out or go for the full hysterectomy.  Awesome.  I'm really not looking forward to going through forced menopause, but surely something positive can come out of this.  I should make a list of situations where a slightly more elevated emotional volatility might come in handy (sappy movies, Real Wives of NWA try-outs, kindergarten graduation) and save them for my menopause.  If anyone wants to contract me out for some royal throw-downs, just let me know.  I now have something new to focus on since the breast cancer issue is put to bed for a while.  Without my normal estrogen production, I'll be at risk for some other health issues.  I've been advised to increase my exercise and start weight training to help with bone density.  When talking about estrogen and how it is bad for my cancer risk, I told the doctor that I've been trying to avoid things that would act as an estrogen replicator (parabens, etc.).  He said, "If you want to eat some soybeans, eat some soybeans".  Whew.  I've really missed soybeans.

I went back to work a week early this week, but just for half days.  It's been good to be back and my stamina is improving.  I'm pretty tired in the evenings, but that's to be expected.

Again, things are on track and that's a good thing.

Everything looks better when tan.

Today was my first day back in the office.  I decided to go back a week earlier than scheduled because I felt like it and daytime television was making me stupid.  I was under strict orders from everyone except my doctor to not overdo it and I only stayed until lunch.  All of my coworkers have been great and I couldn't ask for a better team or assistant.  They have all been incredibly supportive during the last few months.

I have a few doctor's appointments this week and hope the oncologist doesn't come up with anything surprising.  Although my treatment plan is fairly simple compared to most survivors, I'm ready to have confirmation from everyone involved and to start moving forward.  

I found out I can attach my magnetic-backed work name tag directly to my breast due to the metal ports in the expander implants.  I doubt I will really have an opportunity to show that off unless I look at financing some tanning salons or bikini manufacturers.