My Noggin Is Achin'

My surgery date is getting closer and I feel as if I'm running out of time.  There is a part of me that wishes I wouldn't have had this much time to plan.  I've been trying to think of all the things that I'm going to need while recuperating.  I want everything clean and tidy.  I want everything organized and ready for transition at the office.  The difficult thing is that I don't know what to expect.  I've talked with other survivors about their recovery, but everyone is different.  I'm hoping for a smooth speedy recovery, but the risks are there, even if they are slight.

Again, probably too much thinking.

I am ready to give my mind a rest.  I didn't account for the emotional and mental drain this diagnosis would bring.  If I just think about the breast health issue, I'm ok.  If I just think about work and the stressors there, I'm ok.  Switching back and forth constantly is wearing me out.  Talking to people about my diagnosis is wearing me out.  In my job I flex to the personalities and needs of over 150 clients.  I'm constantly listening for cues, trying to think forward to issues and potential conflicts and circumvent them.  I'm trying to manage the relationships, both internal and external.  When people ask me about my health issue, I am analyzing their reaction, trying to remember their personal history and structuring the conversation so as to facilitate the least possible drama.  I don't do drama.  All of this is wearing out the ole noggin.

So, if anything, I'm looking forward to a forced unplugging.  I will watch mindless TV and cable mini-series for hours on end and read slightly raunchy historical fiction.  I will make my own soda and drink espressos and eat my weight in casseroles and lasagna.  I will think of my own sensitivities and cater to them.  I will do things for me and think about me and my health and my recovery.  I will recharge.  And I will get bored.  I'll get bored and will be reminded why I do the things I do.  Too much idle thinking is not a good look for EBJ.  I need problems.  I need challenges.  I'm a Virgo and a fixer.

Now, off to save the world....but first, a shower.